Table of Contents
- Unlocking Self-Love: A Psychologist’s Guide on How to Appreciate Yourself More
- Why Are You Here? A Gentle Inquiry
- STEP TWO: Notice Your Growth
- STEP THREE: Acknowledge Your Capabilities
- STEP FOUR: Celebrate Your Victories and Practice Gratitude
- STEP FIVE: Stay Mindful in the Present Moment
- STEP SIX: Create Joyful Moments and Reinforce Them
- Some extra mindfulness Exercises for a Self-Appreciation Boost
- Addressing Challenges
Unlocking Self-Love: A Psychologist’s Guide on How to Appreciate Yourself More
I really want to talk to you about the power of appreciating and embracing yourself as a new way of living!
Why Are You Here? A Gentle Inquiry
Let me begin by asking you: Were you searching for ways to feel better when you found this article? Are you reading it from a place of anxiety and/or low self-esteem?
Not feeling good enough, thinking people are judging you for your mistakes? If this sounds familiar, it might be that your mind is stuck in a cycle of seeking evidence to confirm these beliefs. When you’re anxious, it’s like your brain has a “bias filter” turned on that makes you focus on words like failure, setbacks, and worst-case scenarios.
But here’s a comforting truth: You have the power to shift this focus. I’m here to help you choose a new narrative—one built on self-compassion, mindfulness, and appreciation.
STEP ONE: Counter-Balancing Self-Criticism with Appreciation
Have you ever paused and appreciated yourself? I mean really paused.
Often, my clients look at me with confusion when I ask this. They say, “Like what? What do you mean?” I respond:
“I take moments and practice celebrating my achievements. I pause and reflect on what I did well today, this week, this year. I feel grateful for my successes and efforts, and I thank myself for who I am, who I am becoming, and what I am doing.”
Do you ever do it?
Many of us are used to only focusing on what’s lacking or what needs improvement. No wonder you feel behind if your focus is exclusively on your shortcomings. You become stuck, constantly scanning for your flaws and seeking to confirm them until the whole world looks like a place full of obstacles and judgments.
Let’s break that cycle!
For each self-critical remark you make, immediately counter-balance it with something positive about your life or about yourself. If you’re alive today, that means you’ve navigated countless obstacles. You’ve survived every single difficult day up to this point. That is proof of strength.
Exercise: Recall ten achievements—from childhood until now—that happened because of your efforts. Write them down. Did you pass important exams? Did you support a friend during tough times? Did you recover after a breakup? Improved your lifestyle or health in any way? Use these examples every time you start to criticize yourself.
- Real-Life Story: One of my clients struggled with feeling like she wasn’t enough. During a session, I asked her to recall a time she helped someone. She remembered helping her younger sibling through a tough move—something she had dismissed as unimportant. She remembered helping her husband through a depression and job changing. And helping her friends with good advice many times at need. Over time, she began to see this and many other actions as proof of her competence and kindness. This simple exercise helped her shift the way she saw herself.
STEP TWO: Notice Your Growth
Look at yourself today compared to five years ago.
Are you in the exact same place? Or have you made even a 1% improvement in any area of your life?
- Use this sentence for when you feel behind or not doing enough: “I might not be yet where I want to be, but in the last five years, I have…”
Reflect on and write down ten small/big improvements you’ve made in the last years, and own them. Your progress deserves recognition.
And even if it doesn’t feel familiar, it’s healthy! Studies show that self-reflection on growth over time is associated with increased motivation and resilience. It helps create a narrative of progress rather than stagnation and lack.
STEP THREE: Acknowledge Your Capabilities
Many people I talk to live in anxiety, constantly worried about making mistakes. They don’t realize that they’ve learned so much along the way that has turned into skills and wisdom.
Mistakes and obstacles are not to linger on, but to learn and use for becoming better at life!
Think of what you are capable of—driving, cooking, comforting a friend, managing finances, staying calm under pressure, making plans, active listening, problem solving, conflict resolution.
Exercise: Write down ten capabilities.
Use a sentence like: “Maybe I don’t know yet how to ____, but I do know about ____.”
Tip: Research into learning shows that no one is inherently “not good at something” forever. With dedicated effort, it’s possible to make significant progress quickly. For example, author and researcher Josh Kaufman suggests that with just 20 hours of focused practice, you can become competent enough to grasp the essentials of any new skill. The key lies in deliberate and intentional practice—consistently putting in the time to improve without being overly harsh on yourself.
So, guess what? You can even become an expert in appreciating yourself!
STEP FOUR: Celebrate Your Victories and Practice Gratitude
Are you satisfied with anything in your life? Gratitude is one of the quickest ways to generate feelings of contentment and safety. It’s hard for fear and insecurity to exist alongside genuine gratitude.
- Gratitude Practice: Spend a few minutes daily reflecting on things you’re thankful for—whether it’s being healthy, having a comfortable home, or just enjoying a sunny day. Science has shown that gratitude helps increase happiness and reduces anxiety.
- Exercise: You could use the A to Z gratitude exercise when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Start with A: “I am grateful for an Amazing day today,” and for “beach and sunny days”, and for “calmness after a good conversation”, and move through the alphabet.
- Habit Formation Tip: Attach this gratitude practice to a daily routine—perhaps when brushing your teeth in the morning. Creating this association makes it easier to turn gratitude into a habit.
STEP FIVE: Stay Mindful in the Present Moment
Appreciate the privilege of being alive. You are here, alive, and the youngest you’ll ever be again. Now is a chance to feel the wind, to talk to loved ones, to make a change. Life is a gift that allows us endless opportunities to make things right, if we choose to.
Exercise: Close your eyes and take long, slow breaths. Remember a time when you were truly happy—fully embrace that feeling, stay in it, and allow it to carry you through your day.
Tip: becoming more aware of your thoughts and emotions will change your life for the better. Focus on simple questions like: what do I feel when I am around a specific person? What was I doing and thinking about when I felt that chest pressure today? Became aware that all emotions are yours, good and bad, and choose to give more space to the positive ones.
STEP SIX: Create Joyful Moments and Reinforce Them
Intentionally create joyful moments each day. If you said something intelligent in a meeting, allow yourself to feel proud. Even say: “I am really smart, I have good ideas”. If you finished a task, celebrate your capability, path your back: “I am pretty cool, I chose not to procrastinate”. Share these joyful moments with someone—a friend or family member. Sharing positive emotions helps reinforce them and adds to your sense of accomplishment.
- Daily Habit: At the end of each day, use your fingers to count five small victories. After each one, reward yourself with something small—perhaps a favorite tea or a quiet moment of reflection. This is about developing a positive mental habit that searches for success.
- Real-Life Story: My client struggled with recognizing his achievements. We started practicing daily “finger victories.” Every night, he celebrated small things: a successful presentation, a good workout, a good meal choice, controlling his irritability, or even making a friend smile. Gradually, his self-image began to improve, as he re-wired his brain to recognize the good in himself.
Some extra mindfulness Exercises for a Self-Appreciation Boost
- Engage in Activities That Make You Feel Young and Free
Take time to do something that makes you feel like a kid. Go eat cake, visit a market, dance, do a day trip. Remember, self-appreciation also involves giving yourself permission to enjoy life. - Appreciation Message
Send a message of appreciation to someone. You’ll experience the positive emotion alongside them. - Mirror Exercise
Stand in front of a mirror, look deeply into your own eyes, and hold the gaze for two minutes. Say things you love about yourself—whether physical, emotional, or intellectual traits.
Addressing Challenges
You might find this process challenging at first. Perhaps a positive attitude feel disingenuous, or you feel awkward celebrating your achievements. That’s perfectly normal. This discomfort is part of unlearning old beliefs about yourself.
- Why do we feel that, even if we know self-appreciation is necessary?
- Because: Feeling like self-praise is undeserved; self-praise might seem selfish or a sin.
- Solution: Start by appreciating even the smallest things, like getting out of bed on a difficult day. Be reasonable and praise what is true, then is not praise, it’s just facts. Over time, this builds self-compassion.
- Tip: Remember that new habits can feel awkward until they become familiar. Set small, achievable goals to keep yourself motivated.
Conclusion: Creating Balance and Empowerment
Self-love is not narcissism. It’s about creating a balance in your mind between the constant self-criticism and the things you do well. As long as you are alive, you get to control your attitude and choose how to respond to yourself.
Take time to savor your favorite moments. Laugh, make jokes, rest when you need to, and appreciate the journey you’re on.