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So if you’re going on the journey of finding the right therapist, welcome to your new life. I hope this serves you to save time and effort into finding a person that can be a right match. There are a few general traits, personal ones and some that depend only on your therapist to consider. Let’s go directly into it.
7 things YOU can do for the best results in therapy
If you start with the correct expectations, you increase your chance for best results.
- Know what you want
So before even calling a therapist, it’s best to do some introspection and get to know your needs, it will become easier to set clear goals in therapy. I’m not saying you should know already what your root problem is or the treatment plan, but more what you are truly looking for. For example, are you wishing for support? Are you wishing for a good listener, or to heal specific trauma? Do you wish to grow in specific areas of your life? A different mindset, or a better lifestyle? Improved relationships? Inner peace? What do you need help for? In therapy, any issue is valid enough, and you deserve proper support for it!
- Be open
It will help you tremendously to allow yourself to remember and share various things from your past, even though they were very painful. Stay open to new perspectives, new strategies of thinking and reacting. Be open to know yourself better and understand your reasons, instead of self-blaming for your mistakes and past decisions. Be open to allow your therapist to use their expertise, and trust they know what they are doing.
- Invest
If you hope to get the person that will do the work for you, while you sit one hour per week on a chair, expecting real change, you’re up for getting frustrated. For sustainable results, you will need to invest money, time, personal reflection and practice between sessions. All with consistency. And remember, this investment will pay off for the rest of your life, you can obtain better clarity, mental and emotional peace and even more money if you invest in the right mindset.
- Be patient
In order to feel better long term, you will need patience; patience to gain trust in the process, to gain trust in your therapist, trust to explore yourself fully, trust to practice a new way of seeing things. Imagine how many thousand of experiences you lived during your lifetime. It’s only normal that it takes a while to explore your patterns and to create change. Give yourself grace to discover yourself with calmness. No peace comes from guilt and impatience.
- Be honest
Therapy means full honesty. Your therapist can know only what you share with them. A good one will read between the lines, but if you’re not giving them the full information about your feelings, they are not able to take it from somewhere else. It’s like going to a doctor and hiding symptoms, because you’re ashamed. They won’t know what to investigate and treat. So remember, the role of a therapist is never to judge. A good one doesn’t care about judging you, they care about you finding peace and satisfaction with your progress. If you feel you cannot be honest with them, address it. If that still doesn’t improve, change therapist.
- Show up
Even if you don’t feel like talking that day, or nothing important to talk about, still, just show up. Many times clients think “this week I don’t feel I have anything urgent to talk about, so it’s a waste of money, maybe I should cancel” No. Therapy doesn’t work like that. You don’t need to show up just in crisis moments, because you will end up just calming crisis after crisis. You are learning to reduce crisis moments, by changing step by step the root cause, freeing yourself long term. And you would be surprised how many more solutions and healing you can find when you come with no urgency to sessions.
- Commit
Your results will be directly connected with your commitment and desire to feel better. The more you believe you can feel better, the more your entire brain, body and spirit will embrace the healing. The more you want to heal, invest in your well-being and take responsibility for your outcome, the more you will see results. Otherwise, lack of investment will be shown in lack of results. Commit to yourself and you are already on your way to a more peaceful self!
Many times I talk to people that avoid starting therapy, or they quit it early because they don’t have the right expectations. By having a reasonable perspective you will allow a beautiful process to unfold, a strong bond to create and deep healing to follow.
How about the therapist? What should a good therapist do?
7 traits to look for in a therapist.
A good therapist will:
- Show genuine interest:
Always. You should see them enthusiastic about your specific situation even they have a lot of clients or years of experience. They should be open to listen attentively at all times, to all the details you give, and ready to ask you questions. You should see them as being interested, approachable, ready to get to know you better every session.
- Let you find your answers.
If you have a therapist that keeps just giving your speeches and lessons like you’re in school, that’s not the best one to have. Results come from you being heard, asked the right questions, being given the space to introspect and formulate your own answers and solutions. And your therapist should consider first your answers before trying to impose theirs on you.
A good therapist should teach you how to reach your goals, but after sharing their perspective and suggestions, they should allow the final conclusion to be yours. Therapy should teach you how to obtain peace, emotional control and satisfaction, but never by imposing.
- Push your limits.
Your therapist should kindly address your excuses and self-limitations, even if you are not always happy about it, and guide you to trust more your potential. They shouldn’t push you more than you feel comfortable after you express you’re not comfortable with something, at that moment. If they insist after you set a boundary, they might not be the right match. But if they challenge you, and you end up making a team, and setting together the next realistic step, they are empowering you well.
- Genuine kindness.
A good therapist will guide you with kindness and compassion to explore, at your own pace. They should assess your readiness for the process and support you to get courage when you feel overwhelmed. At the end of the sessions, you should feel that this person has your back. You should feel that even though you lose your motivation you can talk to them about that and they will still get you back on track. You should be able to see hope through their eyes, regarding your case and struggles.
- They should explain.
Your therapist is not a guru you should trust blindly. They are your team and should be able to give you examples and explanations on how they will help you or what they are doing through the process. Always feel free to ask them about their perspective of your case, their plan and make adjustments to your plan together.
- Safe space.
In therapy, you should feel safe to express positive, but also the negative emotions (even if your negative emotions are towards them). You should feel free to share your feedback, because many times it can become material for therapy. You should feel safe to ask why they are saying something or what does that mean. They should be able to explain their techniques, homework or suggestions, and you can always agree or disagree with them, knowing you will still be accepted and respected.
- Use validated strategies.
Keep away from coaches and therapists with no accreditation. Generally validated therapy options that are proven to have the best results are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness and Schema therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Specialized trauma intervention, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, Interpersonal therapy. Any other validated therapy can still have great results if you have a strong connection with a capable, trained therapist.
How can you increase the chances for a good therapy result?
3 tips for a good therapy results
- Use recommendations
Ask a trusted person about their recommendation of a good therapist. Either because they see results, either because you see positive change in them. If you don’t have a trusted recommendation, search online (Linkedin, trusted social media accounts, dedicated mental health platforms, websites related to psychology and therapy); use keyword related to therapy and your specific need to address in therapy
(examples: trauma specialist, online CBT therapist, therapy people pleasing, therapy toxic relationships)
- Verify their testimonials
Always make sure they have at least some feedback or testimonials from previous real clients (feedback in written or video, rating on their website or page, collaborations with institutions, or at least accredited by an official institution- stay away from social media gurus that pretend to be specialists without any trusted degree and).
- Set up a trial session
Always set up an initial conversation, anywhere between thirty and sixty minutes to get to know the specialist. It doesn’t matter if it’s a free session, or you pay for it, important is to remember that you should sign up for a long term process only if you are sure it’s a right match. Don’t be afraid to have more trial sessions with different therapists before finding your best match.
Throughout the sessions, you should feel heard, seen and reflected.You should be left with a feeling that they are capable to understand you and you are able to trust them and their expertise.
How do I know therapy is working?
Many people can feel disappointed by their results if they have very high or rigid expectations about the outcome. Results can show up in many forms during a therapy process. Observe them. Also, sometimes results come slow, gradually and in forms or areas of your life you didn’t expect initially.
Check for results at a:
-physical level. You could obtain a better sleep and waking up feeling more rested, having less tension in your muscles, breathing better, having less general aches, and even getting your weight under control.
-mental level. You could become more aware of your thoughts, of your tendencies or patterns, or the causes for your sabotaging beliefs and behaviors. You could become more present, and more in control of your thoughts and decisions.
-emotional level. You could become more able to identify and name your emotions, regulate them easier, let go of the negative ones and be able to feel more positive reactions, like hope, joy, peace, motivation, compassion, and the capacity to feel empathy and accept your flaws and strengths.
-relational level. You might experience better relationships with colleagues, friends and family, better communication skills, perceive yourself more liked and respected, and more connected with others.
-behavioral level. You might find yourself reacting less intensely, and having a more controlled reaction in general. You could decrease unhealthy behaviours
and increase naturally the ones to make you healthy and content. You could overcome procrastination and feel productive and active.
-self-care level, you could criticize yourself less, solve more issues in a more confident way, express your needs easier and set healthy boundaries for your well-being. You could feel more
acceptantand mindful of yourself and your achievements.
On the journey of healing, it’s refreshing to feel the partnership with your therapist, in front of any setbacks. The therapist can also take the role of a healing parent, your supporter, your cheerleader, your coach, your compassionate friend, or your mentor. The most important thing is to always communicate openly with your therapist, and allow their support to reach you.
I hope you heal, my dear reader. If you need a therapist at the moment, contact me and let’s see if I can help you with my expertise of more than 12 years, in four different therapy specializations, with people from all around the globe.
Teodora Goloiu,
Clinical psychologist, cognitive behavioral therapist and trauma specialist with 12 years of experience